As you may or may not know, I had a rather large breakdown in 2010.
I have written about it on the blog before, and this time last year I was even invited onto This Morning to talk about it. I’ve always felt it was important to speak out – to show that while I was once quite literally curled up in the corner bawling, I’m now mostly ok. I can construct sentences. I can raise a child. You can come back from something that at the time, feels like the end of everything.
While I was recovering, I began writing a book about my experience… but I didn’t get very far with it. That writing was what made up the bulk of the blog posts I published here a couple of years ago. Putting them into a book and self publishing had always been on my list of things to do.
When I began doing my “Miracle Morning” practice, I used my early morning quiet time to work on the book. It was hard going, but I think if I’m honest, it was probably more to do with my being “paralysed by perfectionism” than anything else. Despite the fact I was really just editing together a collection of blog posts that had been on this site for two years, I was nervous about putting it out into the market. I delayed actually finishing the book because I was scared to put it out there and ask people to pay for it.
I hadn’t even thought about how or where I would sell it; I couldn’t really see that far ahead. Then, last night in a fit of “ohforgoodnesssakejustgetonwithitwouldyou” I finished editing, knocked together the most basic of covers, downloaded a plugin and hey presto – my book is for sale. Here’s a great place to sell books.
The moment I hit “Publish” and put it out there, I actually thought I might be sick. It’s absolutely terrifying. Not so much because of the content; I am not ashamed of my mental health struggles. But I suddenly feel very vulnerable, asking people to pay for my writing. What if they think it’s crap?
I feel like that lady in the video that went viral on Facebook recently – you know, where she just stands in the middle of the street in her underwear?
On the one hand, I want to take it down from the site, hide it away and work on it some more – for at least another six months.
On the other hand, a few people have already bought a copy and I am thrilled beyond belief. I feel like the time I abseilled off the local college building: I was terrified for weeks before and throughout the actual abseil – but the minute my feet hit the floor, I wanted to do it again.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to write another masterpiece!
You can buy my book here – and if you purchase before the end of October 2015 using the code OCTOBER, it’s only £2.50!