Day 23 is: why do you blog?
This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.
I could sit here and tell you that I blog to be a voice for single mothers, to show people what it’s like to be a single mother, to highlight mental health issues. But really, those reasons are just by-products of the real reasons I blog.
When I had S, I had zero self confidence. I was lonely and miserable and unsure of every single thing I did.
One day last September, I wrote something about how you never know how strong you are until it’s the only option you have. I posted it on Facebook, because I didn’t have anywhere else to publish it, and it felt like I wanted someone else to read it. A friend commented on the post, asking if I’d considered blogging.
I had a blog before, on Livejournal about 10 years ago. I used to fill it with memes and daft pictures and stupid questions, and every now and then an angsty, whiney post about my life. When my friend suggested blogging, this is what came to mind – lots of funny pictures of cats, and some whining about trivial life problems.
But then I remembered that when I had my breakdown, I retreated to my Livejournal to try and write about how I was feeling. And also when my dad got sick and died. It was my refuge when I didn’t know where else to go, who else I could turn to. I used it to order my thoughts and make decisions.
So I started a blog.
When I first became a mum, because I was so unsure of myself, and because of the things S’s father was saying about me to anyone who would listen, I was always very careful to ensure people like my health visitor and GP were always happy with what we were doing. We went to the health visitor’s clinic every other week for S to be weighed and checked – not because she asked to see us (she kept telling me I didn’t need to come so often) but because if anyone questioned my abilities as a mother I knew I could pull out S’s red book and say “look, see here, we see our health visitor regularly and she has no problem with us.” I did everything my health visitor told me to do, so that she never had any reason at all to doubt me. The same with the GP (except for the suggestion I go back onto my medication); I discussed things with her, kept her informed, took her advice.
I think perhaps these days my blog is a part of that. It’s my way of being very transparent in my parenting, making sure I’m very open about everything. Not so that I can show off “oh, look what a fabulous mum I am!” but so that I can say “see? I’m coping. We’re ok.”
I blog because It’s proof that we are surviving.