The ex was by far the worst, but by no means the first. Here is a brief list of some of the other frogs I’ve kissed…

drunk in pub kissing frogs Single Mother Ahoy
I must’ve been drunk to put up with this…
    • When I was at college I briefly went out with a boy a couple of years older than me. He went away somewhere for half term, and called me on the Friday to say he was staying longer than expected, so wouldn’t see me on Valentine’s day, and could I please get up early the next morning and call into his work and tell them he was too ill to come in. When he came back he sat down on a bench with me and told me he’d met a girl while he was away, and he thought she really could be “the one” so he felt he had to pursue it.
    • There was the coke head who spent hours chatting me up while I worked in a pub, and would often tell his friends “yeah I’ll catch you up in a minute” before leaving with me in the opposite direction – surefire way to ensure the friends hate the girlfriend. I later found out (from his supposed best friend) that the whole time he was with me, he was chasing after his ex. He told me afterwards that he had always been in love with her – as if this was supposed to make me feel better about it.
    • The coke head’s friend, who saw his chance when we split. He asked me out… I don’t think we ever went on a date, I told him I wasn’t interested. For the next couple of months I would get text messages at all hours of the day and night ranging between “oh please just go out with me I think you’re lovely” and “you’re such a cold hearted bitch.” He drank a lot, and it seems at those times I was at the forefront of his mind. In the end I had to ask his father to make him stop texting me.
    • The one my friends called “horse face” because he looked like a horse. Never took me anywhere, never did anything. Dumped me by just plain ignoring me – even though we were the only two people in the room.
    • The cute one my housemates were convinced was gay. Had recently split with his short, blonde ex. Clearly didn’t fancy being single over Christmas, or grovelling to her. Dumped me in the New Year by saying he didn’t have time for a girlfriend… before going back to his ex, and then bringing her into the pub where I worked to show her off.
    • The one who, every Tuesday, had “movie night” with a female friend. They would get roaring drunk and watch porn together before falling asleep/passing out in his bed. He couldn’t understand why I had a problem with it.
    • The one who was married “in name only,” they were more like best friends, but they owned a house together and couldn’t sell in the current climate. I found out later that he and his wife were very much together, and he had told lies on top of lies, on top of lies. About the most ridiculous things. The most ridiculous was when he told me he’d got food poisoning from a group meal he never attended, and called in sick for work telling them he’d got food poisoning from having gone-off milk on his cereal. Nobody knows what he was really up to. He seemed surprised when I turned up on his doorstep with a bag full of his stuff and told him to get knotted.
    • There was one who really hated for me to use the internet at all, especially the blog I’d been maintaining for years before I met him. Went mental at me one Christmas after finding out I’d started a Facebook account. Spent the entire festive period telling me he wasn’t sure he could handle it and we might have to split up. I found out later he’d had a Facebook for years.
    • Another guy was manager in a hotel, and I would go and stay with him there. He owned a house with his ex, but they couldn’t afford to sell it yet; he didn’t want to take me home and rub her nose in the fact they’d split up. One day, out shopping, I got a call asking if I’d been sleeping with this guy. I asked why and the voice responded, “he’s my fiance.” I texted him asking what the hell was going on, and he replied asking me to please just lie to the girl and tell her there had been nothing going on between us.
    • One guy I went out with was always either drunk, stoned or both on the weekends. We’d arrange for him to meet me from work at 3pm, but he never showed. Sometimes I would go round to his house, and find him still in bed asleep. He stopped speaking to me just before Christmas, presumably to avoid buying me a present, and then sent me an email mid-January from Leeds, where he had suddenly moved to.
    • There was one guy who ran a pub; he used to come over on Friday nights with a bottle of vodka and proceed to get completely smashed, before we’d even left the house to go anywhere. I had to get drunk too. That was usually the one night a week I saw him. I don’t even remember why we stopped seeing each other, but he then started seeing a “friend” of mine. I heard that the pub was closed down after a drugs raid.
    • Then there was the guy who had split with his girlfriend a few months ago and moved in with his mother – but was going back to the house he owned with the ex on weekends, to fix it up ready to sell. He dumped me right before Christmas because he’d decided, despite telling me a million times that it could never happen, to go back to the ex and try again.
    • A guy I had worked with a few years previously found me on Facebook and asked me out. I used to catch him checking out his muscles in mirrors, windows, any reflective surface. We went out about three times, and against my better judgement I went to his parents’ house for Sunday lunch one weekend. He didn’t live around here, but came back to visit at weekends. A couple of weeks later he invited me to his parents’ place again. When I told him, I’m sure your family would rather see just you, since they don’t see you often, his response was “you’re part of the family now!” I ran for the hills. He was very bitter over the terrible way he believed I had treated him.
Big chocolate bar Single Mother Ahoy
Now you all know why I eat so much chocolate.
This post is not an attempt at revenge on those who have wronged me; I think this list says more about me than any of the men involved.
That said, if you recognise yourself in this list, and are offended… well, I’m not sorry; perhaps you should try to be less of a twat.
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Vicky is a mother, a blogger, a podcaster and a social media trainer. She writes about life as a single mother, parenting and lifestyle type things.


Laura Huggins · 17/03/2013 at 12:54

&#39;That said, if you recognise yourself in this list, and are offended… well, I&#39;m not sorry; perhaps you should try to be less of a twat&#39;<br /><br />I actually chocked on my tea reading that! How flaming hilarious! and bloody well said!!

Caroline · 17/03/2013 at 20:22

Gosh, you do know how to pick them! I mean that affectionately… I hope that you meet the right guy soon who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. Though you&#39;ve also reminded me of what an idiot my first boyfriend was!

    Vicky Charles · 17/03/2013 at 20:26

    I don&#39;t think it&#39;s that I pick them, so much as I allow them to treat me like shit repeatedly, rather than just walking at the first hint of it. It&#39;s a really bad habit!

    Laura Huggins · 18/03/2013 at 10:48

    Well its a good time to break the habit :-)

Shan Angell · 22/10/2013 at 05:11

Reads very very similar to my dating history. Oh the things we put ourselves threw! I am very lucky enoughto have foundmy prince now though.

Shan Angell · 22/10/2013 at 05:12

Ah reads a little like my dating history,why do we do it toourselves hey!<br />I am extremely lucky enough to have met my prince now though!

Kerrie McGiveron · 30/10/2013 at 23:03

Jeez – you&#39;ve got me thinking about all the frogs I&#39;ve kissed now ha ha. Good job I have met &#39;the one&#39; – I feared that I was doomed to keep picking the wrong ones! :)

Lottie Lomas · 31/10/2013 at 09:02

That last line is genius! What a load of nobs. The guy who wouldn&#39;t let you have a FB account – but had one himself? Purlllllease. And the ones who were actually still with their ex&#39;s? Should be tied to a lamp post, trousers off, with a sign saying TWAT round their necks.<br /><br />Hope you find your prince soon. xxx

Victoria - WTPP · 26/11/2013 at 12:14

Oooh the while dumping before present buying and them asking back out..I thought that only happened to me. The ending made my day :) xx

Looking for Blue Sky · 14/06/2014 at 09:08

Hope you find some princes soon!

Lisa1970 · 14/06/2014 at 15:35

This is why I eat chocolate and only live with a dog now!<br /><br />I had an ex that instead of dumping me before my birthday asked if I minded if he didn&#39;t get me a present as he wanted to spend the money on going out to get rat-ar$ed with his brother…I wish I&#39;d had the forethought to change the locks while he was gone! Who says romance is dead?! ;) x<br /><br />

Katie-Annie Haydock · 24/06/2014 at 19:14

Haaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa! Followed you on bloglovin&#39; purely on the basis of that last sentence! Love your writing style!

Katie-Annie Haydock · 24/06/2014 at 19:15

Ps – most men are bastards but keep looking. Some are nice!… not online though…

Martin Ricky · 17/04/2015 at 05:20

Gotta kiss a bunch of frogs before you find the prince right?

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