1. When she gives you peanut butter on toast, wipe the peanut butter off with your hands, and hide it in your hair. And up your nose. She’ll never find it there… until it’s too late!
2. Mummy loves a great big cuddle. They’re even better if you leave a bit of snot or food on her clothes as a lasting memory of your love. If she has clean clothes on, even better. Don’t ever let her go out the door without a cuddle! Especially if it’s to somewhere important.
3. Even better than a normal cuddle – a cuddle around the knees! You can stealthily leave some snot and/or food on her legs, and she might never find it!
4. The best way to wake a mummy in the morning is by scratching her eyelid and cheek. Her first words every morning should be “bloody hell, we need to cut those nails today!”
5. Mummies love to practise nappy changing. Wait for her to give you a lovely clean nappy before doing your biggest, smelliest poo in it. What a treat to be able to change your nappy twice in five minutes!
6. Always wait until Mummy goes out of the room to fling yourself head first at something not designed for babies. There’s no fun in doing it, if she might see what you’re up to and stop you!
7. Make like you’re going to cuddle her… but headbut her in the nose instead. When her eyes water and she looks like she’s in a bit of pain, laugh. She’ll love that.
8. Mummies love to be interrupted when they’re on the phone. Especially if they’ve been on hold for an age, and finally got through to a real person. Now is the time to fall over and start wailing; throw your toys at her (aim for the head, obviously); crawl over to her and start wiping your snotty nose on her knees; try and grab the phone off her so you can press the buttons on it.
9. Never, ever let your mummy wipe your nose with a tissue. She pretends she wants to, but really what she wants is for you to sneak up when she least expects it and leave a big bogie on her clothes somewhere. Extra points if she doesn’t see it, and someone else has to point it out to her.
10. The best time to blow a raspberry is when Mummy has just put a spoonful of food into your mouth. Mummies love it when their outfit is redesigned with little orange specks. Especially if it makes it onto their face and neck as well. Mummies love to find food in their eyebrows two hours after feeding time… especially if they’ve been out of the house during that time, and had conversations with grown ups.