Over the next few months, I will be featuring real life stories of people who have survived domestic abuse. The below is one person’s story. If you would like to share your story here, please contact me. You can tell your story anonymously if you wish.
If you’d like to read more from Nikki, her blog is here.
My name is Nikki, I’m 27 and a mum of 3. I am here to share my story of how I survived domestic abuse.
In May 2007 I was always arguing with my parents, and even more so when I got with a new bloke, let’s call him Mr Security (after all he was a Security Guard). He was loving, caring, thoughtful. Always taking me places whether that was an evening out at the cinema, a meal or a few rounds of pool in the local pool hall, I was smitten and 21 and to look back now, I was stupid but at the time I didn’t think like that at all.
We spent most of our time together when we weren’t working, to which my parents, well mostly my mam didn’t like and in the end they made me choose, either him or them and I stupidly chose him and they kicked me out, to which I ended up living with the boyfriend and his family. However in July 2007 I fell pregnant and had only been with him since 30th May 2007, by September 2007 we had our own place together and I thought it was brilliant. We had our own place, a baby on the way and then he proposed, my life felt like it was complete, Yet I was wrong, so wrong…
When I was heavily pregnant he started staying out late, controlling finances, stopping me from seeing friends, every time family came over (mainly my auntie and uncle) he would leave the room and be so unsociable, his excuse being “I don’t really know them”. He would invite his pals over for drinking and playing on the Xbox. Now bear in mind we lived in a maisonette so the only room in the flat that was fully decorated and carpeted out etc was our bedroom, so every morning I would wake up to him next to me snoring, stinking of sweat and beer and then have to tip toe over three of his friends who fell asleep on our bedroom floor surrounded by beer cans and empty pizza boxes.
I knew something wasn’t right but if I asked him to pick up his mess etc it was always “later” or “stop nagging woman”. Then when his mam would come to visit she would see the mess and kick off with me and I’m like it’s not me it’s him!
When I went into labour with our daughter he just sat on the Xbox playing Fifa and I’m like can you ring an ambulance and his reply was “In a minute in the middle of a game” and in the end while my plug was coming out he ended up passing me the phone and then going back to his game. I was scared, it was my first baby and I didn’t know what was happening.
Throughout my labour he was just watching Balls of Steel and didn’t even support me, however I had a wondeful midwife helping me through it all. Then when I had my daughter, I asked him to go back to the flat to get my bags and car seat etc as in the rush to get to the hospital he was more interested in his game than anything else. He went home and was gone hours it wasn’t till about 5 hours later I was wondering where he had gone. I kept ringing him and leaving voicemail messages and in the end I had to ring his mam to go to the flat to get them for me (she had a spare key) then he rolled into the hospital steaming drunk, he told us (me, his mam and the midwife) that he thought he deserved it after all he was a dad now.
From our daughter being six weeks old to 8 months old he never did any night feeds, nappy changes, never came to the shops with us to do the weekly shop or to buy her new clothes etc. If he wasn’t at work he was in the pub, and then coming home and demanding to know who the little one’s real dad was because apparently I had been cheating on him cause she wasn’t his. If I asked him to do some washing or tidy up he would tell me to f*ck off and then go to smash holes in the walls with his fists, if we had an argument he would punch me in the arm and tell me to change the f*cking record and that he was sick of it. I told him I am sicking of doing everything and not getting any support what so ever, I told him even if I go to have a bath I can’t because if the little one cried he would kick off at me and tell me to get out the f*cking bath or he would drown the b*tch as in our daughter.
I then fell pregnant when she was 10 months old and he told me to abort it as he couldn’t look after our daughter let another sprog, I had had enough so went to the council who got me in touch with a woman’s refuge. Before I went I came home one day with my daughter, I had her in her arms and he demanded to know where his f*cking cans were. I could see he had been drinking mostly all day and had three of his friends in the house and I told him I haven’t got him any, been out to buy nappies and formula and a few bits to eat etc. He said it wasn’t good enough, go out and get me some cans I’ll look after the baby. Because I said no, he took a fist to my face and just missed it and hit a hole in the front door behind me. This was while our daughter was in my arms.
I got out on Tuesday 24th March 2009 and fled to a woman’s refuge, who when I explained everything to them what he had done from day one till the end etc and they told me it was domestic violence. I didn’t know anything about it, and now I am grateful for the help because they got me into some supported accommodation for women fleeing domestic violence. Without them I wouldn’t have met my current partner (though obviously they didn’t approve of it) and now we have a child of our own and now live in the beautiful countryside and are very happy together.
And just to let you know, Mr Security has never bothered with his daughter at all and she is now 5 years old, and he has never met his son either who is 4 in September. I have tried to contact him but all I get all the time is F*ck Off, his loss and my children’s gain, after all they have such an amazing stepfather who has given them such a good upbringing and they look up to him as dad, they haven’t been told about their real dad, as the son doesn’t know him and I doubt the daughter remembers him as she was 10 months when I left.
So please don’t suffer in silence, please confide in someone you trust or go to your local council. I got out and so can you.
If you are in a similar situation and need help, please contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247. Alternatively, speak to your health visitor, your GP, your family, your friends. Reach out to get some help.