My Life with S Parenting

5 Things I Resolve To Do Differently

5 things I resolve to do differently
I think some of the things I strive for in my parenting of S are a little different to the accepted norm. I don’t think this makes me a bonkers, hippie mother, but sometimes than be a few raised eyebrows.
Here are five things I resolve to do differently:
  1. I will not force S to “say thank you!” Instead, I will lead by example and always say please and thank you to her. I would rather she learn how to be polite from having me ask her nicely to do things, and thanking her for helping me, than from me (or anyone else) standing over her demanding that she repeat what she’s told to say.
  2. I will not label her as a “good girl” or “naughty girl.” Instead, I will say “thank you for doing as I asked” or “please don’t do that.” I get really cross when I hear people tell their children they’re good or bad. I believe that all they will learn from that is that they either have to live up to being “good” all the time, or that they are fundamentally bad and can do no right. I would rather encourage S to behave well by leading by example, and encouraging her to do the right thing.
  3. I will not shout “NO!” in a stern voice. Instead I will say things like “uh-uh, that’s not for S.” and “not that one, play with this one.” I don’t think anything is to be achieved by telling a child “no!” all the time and would rather save that for the times when she is playing with electrical switches or about to fall down the stairs than for times when she’s dribbling on something I’ve left lying around or snotting on my trouser leg.
  4. I will tell her how generally awesome she is and that I am proud of her and I love her, rather than saying she is beautiful or quiet or “good” or something similar. I don’t want her to grow up thinking looks or staying quiet are the most important things and the only way to gain attention or affection. I hate it when we’re out and people say “ooh isn’t she good!” because she’s quiet; she’s just quiet, and while I’m thankful for the lack of screaming, I don’t want her to think she will only gain approval by keeping her mouth shut. Similarly, whilst she is absolutely stunningly gorgeous (obviously, she takes after her mother), I don’t want her to attach too much worth to looks; either her own or those of others. I want her confidence and self worth to come from somewhere a bit deeper than how cute her face is or how big her eyes are. Similarly, I don’t want her to be told “ooh you’re so clever!” all through her childhood, and feel that she has to somehow live up to that, get A grades and wow people with her intelligence. I want her self-worth to come from the fact she is perfect just as she is, whether she gets an A or an E; whether she is the prettiest girl in school or has spots all through secondary school; whether she is fat or thin; whether her hair is long or short; whether she is good at this or that or something else entirely. I want her to know I love her and am proud of her both because of and regardless of any other aspect of her intelligence, looks or personality.
  5. I will never, ever say “because I said so!” Instead I will answer S’s questions as honestly as I can – we have to do this because of this, we have to go here because of this, you can’t have this because of this. I want S to grow up believing that her thoughts and opinions are valid and important, and I think the best way to have that happen is to treat her like they are. I would rather she question my every decision, than blindly accept what I or anyone else say as gospel without thinking for herself.
It is a daily battle not to say these things, and sometimes I do find myself saying “good girl, well done” when what I really want to say is “thank you for helping me with that.” I am hoping that if I can stay mindful and remember what I want to say and why, it is something that will become habit more than “good girl” or “say thank you!”
baby in pink onesie sits reading pieces of paper
Disclaimer: Yes, I am aware that most parents speak to their children in that way, and that yes, “I was raised like that and it did me no harm.” I am not saying anything against you, the way you choose to parent or the way you were parented. I’m just saying that my choice is to (try to) do it differently.

Vicky is a mother, a blogger, a podcaster and a social media trainer. She writes about life as a single mother, parenting and lifestyle type things.

13 Comments
  • Susanne@Babyhuddle

      REPLY

    Ah I love this post. I need to read this every now and again, I think. It&#39;s so easy to forget the basics<br />xx

    1. Vicky Charles

        REPLY

      Thanks; I think it&#39;s one of those things that are easy to say but a bit more difficult in practise isn&#39;t it!

  • ET Speaks From Home

      REPLY

    well written! keep up the good work.

    1. Vicky Charles

        REPLY

      Aww thanks! Glad you liked it!

  • kateonthinice

      REPLY

    Resolve to do things differently, do your best and forgive youself if you slip up sometimes.

  • Natasha Peter

      REPLY

    Great post! One more thing to add to the list: Do the best you can with the time you have, before the time is gone. Have great memories, not regrets. <br /><br />Thanks for sharing! :)

  • Elaine Livingstone

      REPLY

    ooohhhh what wonderful idealistic ideas. I truly hope you can live by them. I use to tell mine their behaviour was naughty and mummy wasnt pleased, never told them they were naughty. <br /><br />The last one will be a challenge!!<br /><br />Wait till she is 2 and throwing a temper tantrum on the supermarket floor and see how you feel. <br /><br />good luck

  • elita carroll

      REPLY

    Couldn&#39;t agree more:-) love it:-) great post xxx

  • elita carroll

      REPLY

    Great post.love it xx

  • elita carroll

      REPLY

    Couldn&#39;t agree more:-) love it:-) great post xxx

  • AtoZ Mummy

      REPLY

    This is a lovely post and strive to do most of these myself. I hate using the word &quot;naughty&quot;, it really doesn&#39;t sit right with me. I do sometimes describe behaviour as &quot;naughty&quot; when I&#39;m at the end of my tether but always make it clear that it&#39;s the behaviour and not my little boy!<br />&quot;Because I said so&quot; has popped out of my mouth far too many times

  • Terry Tyler

      REPLY

    As I've said before, I don't have children, but your posts are always interesting to read (and grammatically perfect, of course!!!). Great ideas in this, but don't give yourself a hard time if you don't keep up with it! My sister-in-law Sarah Newton is a teen coach, but lots of her ideas are applicable to younger children too. She had a series on ITV2 about 12 years ago called My Teenager Is An Alien, or something similar, and there is a book that accompanied it too - you might want to check her out on Twitter @sarahnewton.

    1. Vicky Charles

        REPLY

      ooh thanks for the tip Terry, I'll definitely take a look!

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